Tuesday, April 27, 2010

From the Richardson Coalition*.....

Recently, here at the Richardson Coalition*, we have been taking some heat because not only do we insist on butting our noses into the city council and bond elections, but we are now making school board recommendations as well.

Obviously people are just upset because they realize what a phenomenal ability our board has for recommendations. And you know what? We don't blame the residents one bit for being up in arms. You guys are completely right! How dare we greedily confine all of our wonderful opinions just to these local city elections when obviously what the people want, no, dare I say need, is more of our brilliant recommendations! After all, how can we expect you to get out of bed in the morning and live a full and productive life if we have not yet told you that the blue tie is obviously the clear choice here. 'Blue Tie, receiver of the RC stamp of recommendation.'

And because we understand that you, the poor, average, Richardson resident, must above all other things eat at least 3 to 4 times a day, what better place to begin our projectile opinionating than at some of our city's fine, local eateries? And after all, everyone likes food, so this can't possibly offend anyone, right?

This month we will focus our recommendation solely on the flourishing 'Indistani' fare that Richardson has to offer. So, let's begin...

Afrah on Beltline, just East of 75: After having not 2, but 3 serving of Afrah's famous Beef Shawarma, which in hindsight might not have been the best idea, the other board members and I had massive bouts of diarrhea that looked more like gravy watered down with curdled milk and was precisely 105.2 degrees fahrenheit. Our gas smelled like nothing any of us had ever smelled before- not strongly pungent, but a weird kind of smell ('kind of like turmeric' a few members added). After a lot of debate and discussion Afrah has received the Coalition's 'NOT recommended' vote, due to it's lack of membership in the Richardson Chamber of Commerce.

Mumtaz on West Campbell Road: How can you go wrong with Shepherd's pie? This wonderful beef dish was obviously prepared with some of the finest and fleshes herbs around, so the Coalition in no way holds Mumtaz responsible for what happened in the parking lot after our meal. However, it should be noted that if you are not a fan of cream of mushroom soup going down you will certainly have too refined a pallet for it when it is coming up as well. Seriously folks, old 'up Chuck' didn't get his nickname by accident. You would have thought he'd been housing a pet tape worm in his upper intestine for the past decade and that the fat bloated little monster finally got sick and tired of the country club life and broke free all over the side of his Lexus. No kidding, the vomit just kept cascading down his windows in thick, creamy sheets. A few parking lot patrons, concerned by the velocity with which the bile was exiting Chuck's frail ginger frame, retrieved their cell phones as Chuck's vomit ricochetting off his car door, even acted as though they were going to call for help until they realized who this real life Linda Blair was. After a not-quite-unanimous vote, the Coalition has decided that Mumtaz will receive our smiley face of "Recommended" approval, while the Shepherd's Pie gets a "not NOT recommended, but not RECOMMENDED either," and finally, for the unhelpful douchebag's in the parking lot who made us pay for their dry cleaning, we UNANIMOUSLY decided you deserve a "NOT recommended" frowny face. jerks.

And lastly, after hearing from our dear friend and member, Mrs.Martha Ritter**, who after years of being told to pull a something out of her somewhere was able to forgo a dreaded upcoming trip to the gastroenterologist simply by sampling Ali Baba's curd rice dish, we at the Coalition just had to try their acclaimed cuisine! Some might say, 'Oh, c'mon! You're just bunch of old, white, culinarily sheltered sissies! There's no way your bowels will be able to handle anything on Ali Baba's menu!' And to you sir, I would say, 'yes, two weeks ago that might have been true, but now my good friend, after lining my upper and lower GI tract with more curry than you can shake a tawa at, I am up for any Indistani challenge!' And so, the first course arrives. Our board began with an order of Kanchipuram Idly, and even with the recent nut aversion most of us had suffered after our 'blow out' (pun intended) at Afrah, I must say, we all enjoyed this dish immensely! I did, however, hear a faint gurgling from across the room and as I looked up to see where it was coming from I noticed both Ken and John unbuckling their belts and squirming uncomfortably in their seats. Not long after Ken took an 'Urgent Phone Call' in the bathroom, and John was forced to change his slacks after 'accidentally' soiling them with some clumsily handled hummus. Luckily, after our last dinner Charles had gotten in the habit of keeping a spare change of clothes in his freshly detailed car, which he was able to lend poop poor John. That's when it hit me. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern. I was wrong. And evidently everyone else at the table was also feeling similar discomforts. Before we knew it, our subtle squirms had morphed into a mad group dash to the restrooms. Ladies to the left, gentleman to the right. Bless the precious souls at the Richardson Health Department for refusing to issue a license before each restroom had a minimum of 10 separate stalls. Man, did they have their customer to spices ratio right! As our bodies got repeatedly cleaned out in waves of what we've now loving call 'The Ritter Reaming' we were able to do some really great team building. Our time spent in the Ali Baba restroom was more valuable than all of the ropes courses and trust fall seminars we've attended put together! We really got to know one another in there-the good, the bad, and certainly, the ugly. We talked about the council members and school board candidates we liked, and debated their experience in the city versus their real world accomplishments. I think you'll all be surprised by our next Voter's Guild. It will probably be one of the most well thought out evaluations so far. After a solid half hour in the john with John, all of us slowly and awkwardly made our way back to the table...our entrees had grown cold. The wait staff at Ali Baba was so accommodating though, and as if they had dealt with this very situation numerous times before, they seamlessly took our food back to the kitchen and reheated it, no questions asked. The night wore on, the baklava flowed and all of us left that little slice of Mediterranean heaven as a member of a much closer coalition than we had ever been before. Which is why, we, The Richardson Coalition* UNANIMOUSLY give Ali Baba's off of US-75/Central Expressway our highest vote of RECOMMENDATION thus far! ....well, aside from Luby's that is.

*maybe not totally the Coalition so much.

**oh, did I say Marth Ritter? I meant NOT Martha Ritter, whoops.


  1. She's back! This is the best story you have ever written. Absolutely LOVE it.!

  2. O - M - G - you have outdone yourself, Destiny, this is SO funny! You really had me going - no pun intended - for a bit. One question - did the RC put frowny or smiley faces by their "recommendations" - LOL! It was only a matter of time before the RC expanded from city races to school board races to restaurant reviews. You know, Chuck, Ken, John, and Martha have a LOT of time on their hands these days. And, you the old saying, "idle hands are the devil's worshop"! Glad to have you back! :)

  3. Priceless, girlfriend!

  4. Geoff Johnson much?


  5. I TOTALLY almost credited him at the end!

    ....but, yeah, I've been ripping him off all week. I have opinions! Politics! Hahahaha!